The Tonight Show with _____________

In 9th grade - back in good old Westlake, Ohio - I had 9th period (last class of the day) pre-Algebra with Mrs. Sidlowski. The 9th grade was without question the worst year for me. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was a lost, bumbling high school soul. Like millions of others, I was walking through the halls scared of bullies, girls, and the lunch line. (Okay, maybe I'm one of the few that is severely intimidated by the school lunch line).

Monday through Friday I would work on equations or whatever hell else Mrs. Sidlowski had us doing, but I'd also be writing all over the back of my notebook or on the brown paper cover of my text book. It was always something like, "Show a little faith - there's magic in the night" or my favorite movie at the moment or - what it was more often than not - "The Late Show with David Letterman."

It was also in the 9th grade that I started one of the worst sleep habits imaginable. I would go to bed right after school and not wake up until dinner time. Then I'd stay up until about 2 am. I'd watch Letterman and Conan. Then I'd think about getting to sleep.

If I didn't stay up to watch Dave, I taped it. I remember literally wrecking VHS tapes I rerecorded over them so many times.

One of my fantastical goals/aspirations back in the 9th grade was to move out to L.A. and make it as a movie writer. Another was to be on stage with Bruce Springsteen night after night.

Along with those pipe dreams was one that had me succeeding David Letterman as host of The Late Show. When I wasn't watching movies or listening to Springsteen I was listening to comedy. The craft of it, the pleasure it gives others, everything about it...I love comedy.

There was a kid named Sean in my class that was a year older than me, but he and I bonded throughout high school. He and I were very different. He quite literally would've been one of the "geeks" in the great tv show Freaks & Geeks. But we had rock n' roll in common. He turned me onto the band Kiss - which, despite the many jokes people make about them - they are a true rock band. They're just great, and I have had great times at their concerts.

Sean was great at encouraging people to strive for their goals, and I remember us bouncing our dream futures/careers off each other. One day, in Mrs. Sidlowksi's class, she overheard me talking about how one of my goals in life would be to succeed David Letterman as host of The Late Show. I'll never forget her immediate, bitchy response: "That will never happen." Now, being 14 years old it would of course be a punishable offense for me to respond: "No shit, Sherlock." The other thing about hearing that at the age of 14 is that it really, really stung. I didn't need any help in realizing none of my wildest dreams would come to fruition. I was a freshman in high school. Life sucked anyways, you don't need to flash me a sign from the grandstands as I get pummeled in the boxing ring of adolescence.

I am not a fan of Mrs. Sidlowski.

Flash forward to present day.

I have amassed an incredible nerdy general understanding of how late night television works. I'd also like to point out that despite my allegiance to David Letterman, I have spend a lot of time watching Jay Leno (and continue to). Jay used to guest on Dave's 12:35 show all the time, and I know Jay from the Carson clips I've seen and also happen to love Jay's movie Collision Course and know a little about his stand-up comedy prior to guest-hosting for Carson etc...

At first I wanted to write a multi-piece story about the latest late night war, and it would've included a backstory, Jay Leno's failed primetime experiment, Conan's missteps with his show, NBC's mistakes, etc... Instead, I decided to keep this piece true to what I feel like this blog (and all 1 or 2 of you that may read this) has become: a way for me to be me.

A lot has already been documented proving that NBC has really screwed the pooch on this one. I don't want to elaborate too much, but they botched this real good. Okay, so Jay didn't work out at 10 - there is no reason to strong arm a mega valuable commodity like Conan and unite everyone under 40 against your once-great-now-fleeting-in-relevance network.

For me, a lot of this boils down to the desecration of The Tonight Show. My favorite childhood memories (and probably the only real memory of happiness with my parents/grandparents that will forever be unblemished) are watching the The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson cassettes. My dad had gotten them for Christmas and I remember laughing hysterically at them...just writing about this reminds me of my grandfather's cackle.

It just can't be myself and Conan O'Brien basing our thoughts on this on the quasi-holiness of this institution. I know there are others out there. My immediate frustration with NBC was that they would actually consider starting The Tonight Show tomorrow. That is literally pissing on the graves of the legends that made that show what it became (not mention, they also would be pissing on Jay Leno, who hosted the show for 17 years).

Conan immediately refused. His appreciation for the craft shined through. Conan got the offer from NBC to move to 12:05 and acted swiftly. Jay got the word his show was cancelled and given a half hour starting at 11:35 and sat quietly reading to a classroom of Florida students. (How many people did I piss off with that analogy???). Conan and his people went to work on an exit strategy immediately...and then Jay not only agreed to 11:35 but actually agreed to take The Tonight Show over again.

Only five years ago, this is what Jay had to say to Conan: It's all yours, pal.

Knowing what we know now, Jay has committed a major sin for many people. It really is an act of showbiz betrayal.

Since Dave went to CBS, late night has been Jay and Dave. Jay at #1, Dave...sometimes at #2 haha...but I think it's been pretty clear that Dave is the one that is holding Johnny's torch (no pun intended...gross!). But Jay is certainly the elder statesman. He still wants to become everyone's friend. His show was a safe haven. Guaranteed big ratings and classy on-air and off-air treatment (unless you're Howard Stern...but that's another story). Jay is heralded in the biggest comedy circles (Jerry Seinfeld is very close with Jay, for instance - there's a great scene in Jerry's documentary, Comedian, with Jay).

Patton Oswalt (a terrific comedian - and a guy I think could excel in a talk show format) summed up the current generation's dislike for Jay (listen here). Patton talks about Jay turning off the comedy "switch" when he took The Tonight Show and stopped being a great comedian with a limitless ability to write great jokes and kill onstage. He went for the mass appeal and stopped taking chances.

So...all this dislike for Jay over the sanctity of a television show??? Well, yes and no. Jay is one of the biggest names out there still, and I still think he should've taken a deal with ABC for an 11:30 or 11:35 show when he could've five years ago. For some reason he's got this unnatural affinity for NBC - a network that literally forced him to step down from The Tonight Show in the first place.

Writing all this makes a lot less sense now that we have a general idea of how late night will look like in just a few weeks/months: Jay at 11:35, Fallon at 12:35 on NBC. Dave at 11:35, Ferguson at 12:35 on CBS. Kimmel at 12:05 on ABC.

What next for Conan? I'm of the mindset that going to Fox would be a mistake. Conan is too smart to be limited by a big dumb network. Going to a place like Comedy Central would be perfect...He would be great at either 10 or 12 there. Cable is great because the time slot matters a lot less with rebroadcasting. And a Stewart/Colbert/O'Brien lineup is an automatic comedic erection right there. Alright, lets be honest - what erection isn't comedic?

So, to NBC executives like Jerry Zucker and pre-Algebra teachers like Mrs. Sidlowski, I say you're all fools. Zucker, because Conan is going to be huge wherever he goes.

And Mrs. Sidlowski, because the title of my blog proves that I haven't given up the dream.

Scott.